It’s time that I come clean about my one obsession that is always tucked a short reach away in my left, front pocket. It goes everywhere with me and has for more than thirty years. CHAPSTICK.
Whatever the manufacturers put in this stuff, it’s strong and it keeps me coming back.
Once I achieved soft lips, I never wanted to go back. That’s what those corporate manipulators were banking on 30+ years ago when I first corrected by chapped lips with strawberry and cherry flavored Chapstick. It was love at first sight, or rather first touch. Please note that I have since graduated to the more mature, sophisticated flavor of original.
My obsession with Chapstick, while always rather absurd, went to a completely new level when I moved overseas where it was not available. Sure, there is lip balm. Lame Vaseline and other wannabe protectorants, but make no mistake about it, there is but one Chapstick, and I need one once a month. So, alas, I had no choice but to buy in bulk and bring a two year supply with me where-ever I go.
Yes, I know. I’m pathetic. But you haven’t seen the depths.
I am an expert at handing and applying Chapstick one-handed. Off with the cap, perfect application, skillfully putting it back on again. I’m like Fonzie with a comb in the bathroom with my Chapstick. Ahhhhh! It’s perfection. If there was an extreme games for Chapstick users, I would be chosen to carry the torch during the opening ceremonies.
Occasionally, when there is a full moon, I’ll forget to bring a Chapstick with me. Trust me, this is extremely nerve-racking. As soon as I pat my front left pocket and realize it isn’t there, my lips suddenly feel like they have been thrust into the Sahara – barren cracks ready to form – constant lip-smacking like an annoying puppy. If I’m at work and I have forgotten it, I will run home at lunch and apply an extra heavy dose to make up for time lost.
I’ve set up safe-guards that help eliminate the times when I forget to bring one. In my computer back I always have a safety stick, unopened and ready to serve as need be. And trust me – a need be.
I am forever and hopelessly addicted to the stuff. I have wondered if they put a small dose of some highly addicted substance in order to have customers for life. I have never heard of a Chapstick Anonymous chapter, but I certainly belong there.
But I would never attend because I would then be missing my precious.