Is this satire? – Santa Sent for Counseling

I can’t tell. I don’t think it is, but this article is so funny that I think it must be satire. And if it isn’t, it should be.

Santa Sent for Counseling

If you don’t want to click on the list, here’s the short version.

A small girl asked a mall Santa who was on the naughty list this year. The witty Santa replied “Hillary Clinton” and laughed.

Santa was replaced because of, I guess, his insensitivity, and was sent to human resources so he could get counseling.

This is too good to be true. First, I think this Santa is brilliant and deserves a raise, unless it’s satire, then the writer of the article needs a raise.

Second, it just confirms to this writer that I will not, anytime soon, run out of things to write about. Our society is full of remarkable silly stories which are the equivalent of the Holy Spirit bringing down writing inspiration from God, aka John Milton.

This is tremendous. Sad, yes. But tremendous without a doubt. I can’t wait to use this in one of my plays or stories. Santa sent to counseling. It’s too good to be true.

Thank you, society, for your never-ending inspiration. Where there is idiocy, there is a great story.

The Most Loathsome Column of the Day

An editor at the Washingtonian stated that the phrase “start a family” was “the most loathsome phrase of the day” because it degrades those couples who many not be able to have children.

So I’ve nominated that fine piece of journalism as the most loathsome column of the day.

But in keeping with the spirit of Washingtonian Wisdom, I tried to come up with my own list of loathsome phrases which we should also purge from our vocabulary. Here they are:

Start a rally. A baseball phrase meaning trying to score runs and come back from a deficit. I think we should strike this phrase from our vocabulary since it degenerates those baseball teams who never have rallies and are perennial losers.

Start me up. The Rolling Stones phrase might offend people who can’t be started. Or don’t want to start.

Start a revolution. Could make fun of those living under authoritarian regimes who don’t know how to start their own revolution.

Start your engines. This could hurt both those who have faulty engines or the poor who can’t even afford any engine.

Start with me. A peculiar Christian phrase which tells God to make changes in the world by first making changes with me. This might offend those who have no me-ness. Or who are dead.

Start fresh. This might offend those who appreciate stale living. It also ignores past mistakes, so that’s not good.

Start in safe mode. This would be an affront to techies who want to by-pass safe mode and just let their computer crash. It’s their right, after all.

Start high school. This would be particularly offensive to those who fail 8th grade.

Start recording. Please, what about those who don’t want a record of a particular event. Or those who have no recording devices?

Start of something new. This is simply a way to discriminate against those who love the old. Stop pushing, people!

Start to finish. From start to finish, this was a waste of time. Thanks, Washingtonian. Here’s the original loathsome column if you dare to read.

Loathsome Phrase of the Day: “Start a Family”

Put a steak on the grill for Denmark!

Denmark’s Council on Ethics has proposed taxing red meat in an attempt to combat climate change.

So to celebrate, I thought this would be a great time to fire up the charcoal grill and sear a few ribeyes. Get the grill nice and hot, put a spicy dry rub on the red flesh, fire it directly for three minutes on each side, then let it cruise to your desired temperature on indirect heat.

Come on. Let’s do it. Let’s celebrate the possibility of saving the world from the flatulence of cows by enjoying a great BBQ. We at least owe the Scandinavians that much.

In fact, the climate of my life changed dramatically today here in Malaysia when I had sizzling beef for lunch. ┬áIt was hot and spicy, bubbling and searing itself on the cast iron griddle which was ironically in the shape of a cow. My stall lady must have had a directive from Denmark’s council of ethics. Bring the cow to the forefront of attention. Let the world know of the cow’s power to overwhelm the climate with enough methane to outlast every car in the world. We cannot let this opportunity go to waste. And I didn’t, as I said, since I raised awareness by my sizzling beef. Recipe to follow:

Malaysian Sizzling Beef:

Juicy tender steak, sliced thinly. Sear in oil, Chinese cooking wine, dark soy sauce, chili sauce, sugar, salt, green onions, sliced red onions, and TONS of bean sprouts. Place stir fry on pipping hot cast iron hot plate – preferably in the shape of a cow to help raise awareness of climate change and how cows are the detriment to the world’s survival. Serve over rice.

So will you join me in celebrating Denmark’s Council on Ethics? Let’s do what is ethically necessary. To stop cows from contributing to climate change, we need to eat them. So tomorrow, buy those steaks, Ribeyes are popular here in Malaysia. But wherever you are, sirloin or t-bone or porterhouse will do as well. Hey, go crazy with a prime rib if you like.

We need to do our best just as those famously brilliant people on councils in Denmark are trying to do.

Thank you for making the effort to enjoy red meat.

PS: If you have been taxed too much lately and find yourself short on cash to purchase a thick juicy steak, you can also raise awareness with a simple ground chuck. Chili might be nice. Or sloppy Joes. Or a chili cheese deep if you want to raise awareness about the problems with dairy cows as well.

Denmark thanks you!